Sunday, December 16, 2012

Trying to be normal

I've been upset with myself for sometime now. I need to undo all this anger and mistrust towards others. I wasn't like this 2-3 years back. I don't know how I learnt to be so spiteful and hostile.  But then, to establish a normal relationship with the world, first I need to succeed in having one with myself. 

When every day you need to sift what is real and what is hallucination, it is difficult to have a hold on reality. In periods of stress, everything seems even more muddled.

Last week while walking back from office, either due to stress and a possible drop in field of vision, I was seeing stuff that wasn't even there. Twice I felt that I'm being attacked by a stray dog when it was just my leopard print scarf. One day I didn't see an electric pole and almost bumped into it. Cuts and burns are a norm. Three days in a row I got out on the wrong floor and even if it was just my vision, I thought my head is getting fuzzy. 

How do you manage to keep sane when your brain presents an incorrect visual image of the world? How do you learn to discriminate between what is real and what is not?

I know I've lived for several years with the thought that I'm a slow thinker because I could only attempt 50% of the paper in the standard exam time. No one told me it was my bad field of vision. No one gave me an option of extra testing time. Now again I find myself inventing new kind of ghosts. 

Sometimes I think I should find a job in Delhi and stay with my parents. That I should stop being so stubborn about living on my own.  If I ask for help, does it mean I've given up? I'm not even sure what I'm fighting with half of the times. 

I will think about it another day.