Sunday, December 16, 2012

Trying to be normal

I've been upset with myself for sometime now. I need to undo all this anger and mistrust towards others. I wasn't like this 2-3 years back. I don't know how I learnt to be so spiteful and hostile.  But then, to establish a normal relationship with the world, first I need to succeed in having one with myself. 

When every day you need to sift what is real and what is hallucination, it is difficult to have a hold on reality. In periods of stress, everything seems even more muddled.

Last week while walking back from office, either due to stress and a possible drop in field of vision, I was seeing stuff that wasn't even there. Twice I felt that I'm being attacked by a stray dog when it was just my leopard print scarf. One day I didn't see an electric pole and almost bumped into it. Cuts and burns are a norm. Three days in a row I got out on the wrong floor and even if it was just my vision, I thought my head is getting fuzzy. 

How do you manage to keep sane when your brain presents an incorrect visual image of the world? How do you learn to discriminate between what is real and what is not?

I know I've lived for several years with the thought that I'm a slow thinker because I could only attempt 50% of the paper in the standard exam time. No one told me it was my bad field of vision. No one gave me an option of extra testing time. Now again I find myself inventing new kind of ghosts. 

Sometimes I think I should find a job in Delhi and stay with my parents. That I should stop being so stubborn about living on my own.  If I ask for help, does it mean I've given up? I'm not even sure what I'm fighting with half of the times. 

I will think about it another day. 


2 comments:

midge10 said...

I can associate with everything you write here! I have lived with Stargardt's Disease for many years. How many times have I seen a "person" ahead only to see when I get closer that it is a garbage bin! All this extra visual interpretation causes me so much STRESS! It is exhausting! But, it is OK to have our bad days. There are days that are easier when we wonder why we get so stressed about the small things ....I understand but cannot always accept!

CHUCK said...

HELLO MY NAME IS CHUCK I'M 62 AND HAVE BEEN LEGALLY BLIND FROM THE AGE OF 15 OR NSO I RELATE TO ALL OF WHAT YOU ARE SAYING - I MYSELF HAVE PROBLEMS RECONIZING PEOPLE -AND I MISTAKE ONE PERSON FOR ANOTHER -IF THE PERSON DOSN'T KNOW YOU , YOU GET THAT, YOUR WEIRD LOOK FROM THEM--HAVING STARGARDTS ISN'T OUTWARDLEY OBVIOUS , SO WHEN FOLK'S ARE AROUND YOU AND DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOUR CONDITION, THEY JUST THINK YOU ARE STRANGE - EVEN PEOPLE THAT KNOW ME , BECAUSE MY EYE'S LOOK NORMAL , DON'T BELIEVE THAT MY EYES ARE AS BAD AS I KNOW THEY ARE--I'VE BEEN DEALING WITH STARGARDT'S FOR OVER 45 YEARS I HAVE DEVELOPED WAY'S OF COPEING , I CALL IT RECONIZING THE BLUR -I SHOOT POOL , I CAN'T SEE THE NUMBERS ,BUT I DO KNOW WHICH BALL IS A CERTAIN COLOR --NOT PERFECT THOUGH I HAVE MISTAKEN THE 9 BALL FOR THE QUE BALL -SOME TIMES THAT WILL DRAW CHUCKELS OTHER TIMES ANGER DEPENDING WHERE YOU ARE---WITH THIS EYE CONDITION NO MATTER HOW MUCH FOLKS KNOW AND LOVE YOU , THEY WILL NEVER KNOW HOW REALLY FRUSTRATING THIS REALLY IS = DON'T GET ME WRONG IT'S NOT ALL BAD , YOU JUST HAVE LEARN TO USE THE EYESIGHT YOU HAVE LEFT AND DEVELOP LITTLE TRICKS THAT SUIT YOU --YOU WILL BE ANGRY AND FRUSTRATED ,BUT THESE THINGS ARE NOT YOUR FRIEND --BEING PATIENT & TAKEING YOUR OWN TIME IS-I WISH YOU THE BEST --I COULD TALK ABOUT THIS FOR ALONG TIME -BUT I WON'T --YOU WILL LEARN PEOPLE WILL ASK ABOUT YOUR CONDITION , BUT ONCE YOU START YALKING YOU WILL SEE THE INTREST FADE QUICK IN SOME CASES NOT ALL -EMAIL --CANDB250@YAHOO.COM